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Day Five & Six 'No sugar February'

Is it happening in all houses up and down the country, the world?

Mind explosion is what I need. Every morning my children leave everything to the last second. Lay in their beds looking at their phones. I’m constantly shouting Harry from the bottom of the stairs. It makes me nervous that they will be late, that Harry will rush and get knocked off his bike. It pisses me off that they don’t give a shit. Is it all children or just mine? Is it happening in all houses up and down the country, the world? Parents shouting their children’s names up the stairs, to non-hearing teenagers. Deaf to their mother’s voice, deaf to reality of life, deaf to timescales ticking by? Deaf and dumb to everything except what they want to hear/do and say?

OMG it’s so frustrating……

I feel tense, I hate shouting. It ends in disrespect from one or both kids and then that makes me more cross – a little voice pops in my head – ‘you can’t have your kids been disrespectful to you’ ‘you got to challenge that’ ‘you can’t let that lie’ ‘come on’ ‘you weren’t disrespectful to your mum’ BUT of course I was. I used to lie in bed to the last second to, but my mother wasn’t a shouter. She was a silencer. Silence. Silence by power. Power of silence and guilt.

I need to relax and chill out about it. He will get to school. He might be late but its him who will get the detention not me. I keep saying this to myself, but I always revert back to ‘shouting up the stairs’ mum, not ‘chilled out’ mum, let them make their own mistakes. I need new techniques. I need a new way of doing this morning routine.

Some of it is my fault – I would take their breakfasts up. ‘better make sure they eat before school’ ‘best meal of the day’ And now we all in the habit. So, they hardly eat at the table. It’s very separate household in the morning. And I’m desperately trying to make it a ‘together one’ I need to stop. I need to let it be what it is. I need to relax into it. As I start the day with bodily and soul tension.

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