I know what it’s like to live in pain, I’ve done it most of my life!
Had a bad back you see, then a bad hip
Many aches and pains, a constant day to day pain that has never gone away
But you learn to live with pain, some days are easier than others
Some days there are tears and others there is laughter
So, to start with a new pain, was a little alarming
A new pain, I’d never felt before,
A pain that awakens me in my sleep, every night.
A troubling deep pain that won’t go away
May 2021, last year I began to wake during the night with pain
No one listened
It continued, now I’m a tough cookie but I couldn’t handle the pain during the night, every night!
No one listened
I let me voice be heard but still no one listened
I shouted louder, as the pain got louder
Ending in a crucial and critical moment
“You have a rare form of spine cancer”
“You have a burst ovarian cyst”
“You have kidney stones”
No, no ‘she’s just stiff’ and ‘needs to do exercises’
No, no that’s not it ‘she needs a new mattress’
The professionals replied, professionals, I think not!
The Google searchers and fast proclaimers!
No, she’s always had a bad back this is what this is about!
I see not one person in the flesh, just empty unsympathetic words over the phone!
I don’t know their faces, would pass them in the street!
But still make remarks upon my pain
I of course questioned my pain
Is it real?
Is this just a new pain that will end in carrying a further chronic pain?
Perhaps I’m going mad?
Perhaps this is all my doing?
No, my instincts were right, after much persuasion, a scan shows a mass
A large mass encapsulated in my womb
A place of safety and warmth, a place to grow a living being
A place that belongs to only me and it continues to grow and grow
The growth and mass must go, it must be stopped
It won’t stop on its own, its safe and warm in there, having its own party
But to do that I must lose my womb, and nothing can turn that back
I name the growth/mass Boris, it is a living thing and deserves a name, and after all we want Boris to leave parliament, as well as my womb.
There’s no place for Boris here
He’s having his own party, without my permission
He’s not welcome and I will not succumb to his trickery
Trickery and lies that this is a good thing, as it is not.
Boris must go, Boris must fuck off!
I’m sick of trying to stay positive
Staying positive in a shit situation, is so hard
Hard work and emotionally draining
A constant battle, a constant comparison to others who are worse off, to make you feel better.
A constant battle to find the energy to stay positive, when your first point of call is to curl up in a ball and cry
So, stop been positive then!
Oh ok, so now what shall I do?
Hide under the bed sheets until someone comes to fight for me,
Who is going to do that?
Who is going to fight my corner?
Who is realistically going to ring every week, to find out what’s happening?
Who is going to deal with the constant day to day pain? Who can take that from me?
Who is going to chase and chase for what I need?
Who is going to fight but me?
Are you? You can’t! It’s got to be me!
So, it’s not about the cancelled operation
Do you not get it?
It’s about the last 11 months
It’s about the fight
Fight to be seen and heard
It’s about the constant pain
Physical and emotional pain
Pain so deep it wakes you in the night
So deep it catches you off guard when u move
The slightest movement creates the deepest pain
The planning; emotional and physical
The swabs, blood test, covid tests
The isolation, the social distancing, the time away from the people I love
It's about everything
It is not about the cancelled operation