I’m addicted to the stuff
And so, it begins. Why am I doing this? I’m addicted to the stuff, I consume too much of the stuff, I use it for energy. Mood Swings. Want to know a life without it. Want to know I can live without it.
Want to lose some weight, mainly my stomach. Want better skin. Don’t want to enhance wrinkles with the sugar. Want to live a better life and more fulfilling life.
I need and want to do this.
Fear – I fear anger/mood swings/extreme thoughts/pain/temptation/upset/losing my shit.
How do I feel today, just in general?
Upset, cross, what have I done this for (gone freelance)? Didn’t win the book publishing competition or promoted to another publisher. Feel rejected, feel angry/cross/what’s the fucking point?
Why am I doing this? Why am I freelance? Am I worse off than I was before? I’ve got more free time yes but that is more time to think and be alone – perhaps that’s the problem?
I am good at what I do – helping people with their problems, helping them achieve their goals. Building up people’s confidence and self-esteem, it’s what I’ve always been good at. I’d be happy if I had more work like this. I love my theatre group, building the confidence of these young people, it’s the best feeling in the world. Watching a shy young person, open up to the group and become who they really are. I love it, always have.
I need more work. I need to investigate someone who helps you get the work on your behalf. Cos I’m shit at that side of things! How much does it cost?
I need to be happy and I’m not today. But I will be.