Saturday last weekend I cried with every movement I made. I cried when I rolled on to my side, I cried when I pushed and forced myself up from the mechanical hospital bed. I cried real tears of pain, pain so sharp and excruciating that I thought I might be sick. A million dark thoughts went through my head, ‘is this it, will I be in this pain forever?’ ‘How will I even go to toilet’ ‘how can I possibly live like this?’ The nurse stating firmly but kindly ‘breathe out when you make a movement with your body, don’t tense up, don’t go rigid, you must breathe when you move.’
I use the commode as a toilet next to my hospital bed, I said before I went in, ‘I would not be using one of those’. But how wrong I was and how grateful I am for the commode, so pleased its there. So pleased to be able to use it and not have to walk at this point to a real toilet. So grateful for the staff who seem to not be phased by a bowl of my urine, sat nicely next to my bed. Not embarrassed or bothered that my urine is on full show. They are probably intrigued and want to look at it: the colour, the smell, any blood present? How it was emitted from the body they don’t care, it’s now a specimen that needs weighing and looking at.
How does my body even know what to do? To start healing, to start knitting back together a 8-inch hysterectomy scar across my abdomen. Of course, it had help from the wonderful surgeon who made a beautiful, neat job of the incision. But my god – is the body just like – come on guys we’ve got work to do let’s heal this girl from the inside out!
Who can remember The Numskulls? A cartoon about the people living in your head and essentially suggesting that’s how we move/function because of the small people controlling everything. I can just picture it now: The Gynea department, all stood around with their hardhats on – ‘right you lot looks like a subtotal abdominal hysterectomy down here. Better get to work straight away, don’t want to have any form of infection. Step to it lads! That’s it, off we go!’
Of course, I am helping my body; resting, napping, eating well, drinking loads of water, fresh air, not lifting anything. Taking vitamins, arnica, pain relief, keeping clean and I am surrounded by people who love and support me. Positive thoughts outweigh the dark thoughts, but the dark thoughts still come and go but not frequently enough for me to be worried (years of therapy there! Haha!)
Pain is an extraordinary thing, the weekend before my third elected surgery, the previous two were cancelled; third time lucky as they say and it was, I was in so much pain I couldn’t barely sit in a chair. I now understand the reason for this! But that was pain from a condition that needed fixing, a pain that could be fixed by an operation. The pain I have felt since the 19 May 2022 is a shock to the system pain and recovery pain! Its amazing how the body copes with such an intrusive operation and takes it all in its stride.
We are amazing, we should always be thankful for what they body is capable of and can deal with. We should always trust our bodies and believe that they know what they are doing and why. Listen to it carefully. You feel tired, then rest, you feel weak then fuel your body with goodness and water. You feel mentally and physically exhausted, then bloody rest and recoup. Spend time with those who love and care about you. AND ASK FOR HELP.
And of course, we can never ever forget the power of the brain, to think a human can fix another human through trained medicine. What amazing human beings we are.
Today I am in awe of the human body and mind and what it is capable of.